Sexy is my Ideal Weight

Justifying & Complaining

A few days ago, my husband comes home from work and he looks at me while I play my online game and says, “Damn! You look so fucking hot! Sometimes I just want you to wear only a bikini and show you off… But I also want to keep that ass to myself.”

I’m really glad that my husband wants to show me off, it says that he’s proud of me. However, instead of being all flattered and go on a bikini spending spree, I became a little depressed. I mean, I do appreciate his compliment, but deep deep down, I don’t feel what he sees. After all, he’s in love with me, so I’d always be beautiful, sexy, and hot to him.

Not only did I become depressed but I also over analyzed his compliment to the point where I twisted it in my mind to mean that he was cheating on me.

Talk about low self-esteem, right?

Instead of accepting the compliment and feeling beautiful I felt super ugly. And now looking back at it I see how stupid of me to think that way.  To twist the truth and make something out of nothing for what? the purpose of drama?

This year I had removed toxic people from my life and the lives of my family. But today, I realized that I am pretty toxic to myself and my husband. I feel like a jerk. A real class A asshole.

But why really did I freak out? What was it that set me off when he complimented me?

After some time of really thinking about it; connecting with myself in a really deep way, (and no I don’t mean masturbation) I came to realize that I am just really unhappy with how I look and most importantly, feel in my own body.

I miss being so proud of myself and with all the confidence in the world. I wish there was a switch and poof, I’m the old me again. The old perfect hourglass, walking seven miles a day me.

But, I think I’ve finally come to terms with it. No more denial or thinking it’s just water weight and no more sitting here waiting for  a miracle. If I learned anything from my mini enlightenment, is that if you want something you gotta work for it. And at this moment, I want to give my husband the ability to show me off and be proud of myself too.

I mean for reals, I’ve been such a pussy so far in my exercises. Justifying anything I know I shouldn’t be doing and not pushing myself.

My latest excuse has been, ” It’s okay if I eat this, I’ll just do more squats,” or, “I can’t exercise today because I feel so off balance and I have a migraine.”

Really, time to stop being a little bitch and do something instead of just complaining.

Nothing happens unless you put it into motion.

Go get it!

Lots of Love,
Silva Martina


Categories: Diary, Health & Fitness

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